Top 25 Chuck Norris Programming Jokes
When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.- All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
- Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
- Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
- Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.
- Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
- All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
- MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
- Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
- Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
- The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
- Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
- Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations … ever!
- Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
- “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
- Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
- Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
- Chuck Norris’s beard can type 140 wpm.
- Chuck Norris can unit-test entire applications with a single assert.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
- Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because NOTHING Controls Chuck Norris!
- When Chuck Norris is surfing websites on Internet Explorer, he gets this warning message:
“Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.
Best Misheard Lyrics
Madonna/La Isla Bonita
REAL LYRIC: “Last night I dreamt of San Pedro.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Last night I dreamt of some bagels.”
Fun/We Are Young
REAL LYRIC: “So let’s set the world on fire / We can burn brighter.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “So let’s get the world on fire / We can go to brier.”
Michael Jackson/Man In The Mirror
REAL LYRIC: “I’m starting with the man in the mirror/I’m asking him to change his ways.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “I’m stuck with the man in the mirror/I’m asking him to change his face.”
Dido/Thank You
REAL LYRICS: “They’ll all imply that I might not last the day.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “They’ll all imply that I might not masturbate.”
Corey Hart/Sunglasses at Night
REAL LYRIC: “Don’t masquerade with the guy in shades.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Don’t masturbate with a diet shake.”
Tom Petty/Free Fallin’
REAL LYRIC: “Loves Jesus and America too.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Loves Cheez Whiz and America too.”
Pink/Get This Party Started
REAL LYRIC: “I’m comin’ up/So you better get this party started.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: ” I’m throwing up/So you better get the laundry started.”
The Police/Message in a Bottle
REAL LYRIC: “A year has passed since I wrote my note.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “A year has passed since I broke my nose.”
Shania Twain/That Don’t Impress Me Much
REAL LYRIC: “I can’t believe you kiss your car goodnight.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “I can’t believe you kiss your carpet knife.”
ZZ Top/Sharp Dressed Man
REAL LYRIC: “Every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Every girl’s crazy ’bout a half-dressed man.”
Guns N’ Roses/Sweet Child O’ Mine
REAL LYRIC: “She’s got eyes of bluest skies/and if they thought of rain.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “She’s got eyes of the bluest skies/as if they’ve got a brain.”
Def Leppard/Pour Some Sugar on Me
REAL LYRIC: “You got the peaches, I got the cream.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “You got the pizzas, I got the keys.”
Elton John/Bennie And The Jets
REAL LYRIC: “She’s got electric boots, a mohair suit.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “She’s got electric boobs, her mom has two.”
Dexy’s Midnight Runners/Come on Eileen
REAL LYRIC: “Come on Eileen/Oh I swear what he means/at this moment/you mean everything.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Come on Eileen/Oh I swear we cook beans/at this moment/we cook only peas.”
Justin Timberlake/SexyBack
REAL LYRIC: “Get your sexy on/Go ahead, be gone with it.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Who’s a sexy cow?/Go hippie go.”
Bob Marley/Jammin’
REAL LYRIC: “We’re jammin’/Hope you like jammin’, too.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “We’re German/I hope you’re, like, German too.”
Marvin Gaye/Sexual Healing
REAL LYRIC: “Darling, you’re so great/I can’t wait for you to operate.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Darling, you’re so great I can’t wait for you to ovulate.”
R.E.M./The One I Love
REAL LYRIC: “This one goes out to the one I love.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “This one goes out to the one-eyed dove.”
Pearl Jam/Alive
REAL LYRIC: “Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Yeah I, ooh, I’m sterilized.”
AC/DC/You Shook Me All Night Long
LYRIC: “She was a fast machine/She kept her motor clean.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “She was a fax machine, she kept her modem clean.”
Led Zeppelin/Stairway To Heaven
REAL LYRIC: “And as we wind on down the road/Our shadows taller than our souls.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “And as we wind on down the road/We should have stolen Oreos.”
Sloan/Money City Maniacs
REAL LYRIC: “And the joke is when he awoke his body was covered in coke fizz.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “And the joke is when he awoke his body was covered in goat piss.”
Radiohead/Creep
REAL LYRIC: “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “I’m a creep, I’m a widow.”
Rolling Stones/(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction
REAL LYRIC: “A man comes on to tell me how white my shirts could be.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “A man comes on to tell me how to wash my shirts with bleach.”
The Beatles/Get Back
REAL LYRIC: “Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner/But he knew it couldn’t last.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman/But he knew he couldn’t pass.”
Eddie Money/Two Tickets To Paradise
REAL LYRIC: “I’ve got two tickets to paradise.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “I’ve got flu, rickets, and parasites.”
Pat Benatar/Hit Me With Your Best Shot
REAL LYRIC: “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Hit me with your pet shark.”
Chumbawamba/Tubthumping
REAL LYRIC: “I get knocked down, but I get up again/You’re never gonna keep me down.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “I got no thumb, but it grew back again/You’re never gonna keep me down.”
Aqua/Barbie Girl
REAL LYRIC: “Come on Barbie let’s go party.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Come on body let’s go potty.”
Billy Joel/You May Be Right
REAL LYRIC: “You may be right, I may be crazy/But it just may be a lunatic you’re lookin for.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “You made the rice, I made the gravy/But it just may be some tuna fish you’re lookin’ for.”
Starship/We Built This City
REAL LYRIC: “We built this city on rock and roll.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “We built this city on the wrong damn road.”
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band/Blinded by the Light
REAL LYRIC: “Revved up like a deuce/Another runner in the night.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Wrapped up like a douche/Another rumour in the night.”
J. Geils Band/Centerfold
REAL LYRIC: “My angel is a centerfold.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “My anus is the center hole.”
Queen/Bohemian Rhapsody
REAL LYRIC: “Spare him his life from this monstrosity.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Saving his life from his warm sausage tea.”
Red Hot Chili Peppers/Can’t Stop
REAL LYRIC: “Can’t stop the spirits when they need you.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Can’t stop the ferrets when they need food.”
Deep Purple/Smoke on the Water
REAL LYRIC: “Smoke on the water, fire in the sky.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Slow motion Walter, the fire engine guy.”
Foo Fighters/My Hero
REAL LYRIC: “There goes my hero, he’s ordinary.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “There goes my hero, he’s old and hairy.”
U2/Mysterious Ways
REAL LYRIC: “She moves in mysterious ways.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Shamu the mysterious whale.”
Creedence Clearwater Revival/Bad Moon Rising
REAL LYRIC: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Billy Joel/Just The Way You Are
REAL LYRIC: “Don’t go changing”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Don’t go, chicken”
Bon Jovi/Livin’ On a Prayer
REAL LYRIC: “It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not.”
Bryan Adams/Summer of 69
REAL LYRIC: “Got my first real six string, bought it at the five-and-dime.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time.”
Van Halen/Jump
REAL LYRIC: “Might as well jump. Jump!”
MISHEARD LYRICS: “Maxwell, jump. Jump!”
Taylor Swift/Blank Space
REAL LYRIC: “Got a long list of ex lovers”
MISHEARD LYRICS: “All the lonely Starbucks lovers”
Jimi Hendrix/Purple Haze
REAL LYRIC: “‘Scuse me, while I kiss the sky.”
MISHEARD LYRIC: “‘Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.”
Famous Yogi Berra Quotes
Yogi Berra (Lawrence Peter Berra, born May 12, 1925) is a former American Major League Baseball catcher, outfielder, and manager. He played almost his entire 19-year baseball career (1946–1965) for the New York Yankees. Berra is widely regarded as one of the greatest catchers in baseball history.
Berra, who quit school after the 8th grade, has a tendency toward malapropism and fracturing the English language. “It ain’t over till it’s over” is arguably his most famous example, often quoted.
Here are the most famous quotes by Yogi Berra:
- “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
- “Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t go to yours.”
- “Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.”
- “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.”
- For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players to: “Pair off in 3’s.”
- “How can you hit and think at the same time?”
- “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
- “I don’t want to make the wrong mistake.”
- “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
- “I really didn’t say everything I said.” — Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his.
- “I usually take a 2 hour nap from 1 to 4.”
- “If people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?”
- “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”
- “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
- “In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.”
- Interviewer – “Why, you’re a fatalist!” – Yogi Berra – “You mean I save postage stamps? Not me.”
- “It ain’t over till it’s over.” — In July 1973, when Berra’s Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East; the Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.
- “It’s déjà vu all over again.” — Berra explained that this quote originated when he witnessed Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the Yankees’ seasons in the early 1960s.[“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”
- “Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”
- Mrs. Lindsay – “You certainly look cool.” – Yogi Berra – “Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.”
- “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
- “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” — On why he no longer went to Ruggeri’s, a St. Louis restaurant.
- Reporter: “What would you do if you found a million dollars?” Yogi: “If the guy was poor, I’d give it back.”
- “Thank you for making this day necessary.” — On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet.
- “That ain’t the way to spell my name.” –After he got a check that read ‘Pay to bearer’.
- “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
- “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
- When asked what time it is: “Do you mean now?”
- “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” — When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes.
- “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
- “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
- “You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”
- “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there.”
Cliché Dictionary 2010
Here is a list of the most-used words and phrases of 2010 derived from the Global Language Monitor, the Oxford Dictionary, observations of pop culture, and, of course, Facebook.
Word/Phrase: Chillax.
Meaning: To relax and chill.
Word/Phrase: Fail.
Meaning: Utter inadequacy.
Word/Phrase: Step up to the plate.
Meaning: “Just do it.”
Word/Phrase: Low-hanging fruit.
Meaning: Business people use this line instead of “easy target” or “solvable problem.”
Word/Phrase: It is what it is.
Meaning: “This is how things have been, this is how they will be.” We’re not crazy about this phrase. Aside from the defeatist attitude, it’s far too useful in a wide range of contexts and can finish nearly every awkward conversation – which means it could have a long run in 2011.
Word/Phrase: Amazing.
Meaning: “Fantastic.” Often used sarcastically and preceded by “That’s kind of.”
Which phrases bothered you in 2010?
Word/Phrase: Bromance.
Meaning: Non-romantic love between male friends, with only a hint of homosexual undertones
Word/Phrase: Six of one, a half dozen of the other.
Meaning: “Something is the same as something else.” The phrase can be used to confuse the listener into thinking two things are like when they’re really not.
Word/Phrase: Man up.
Meaning: “Show some buck.” “Lawyer up,” which means hiring a lawyer, looks to be the next “up” phrase, after getting some play in Facebook flick “The Social Network.”
Word/Phrase: “Mad Men”-inspired.
Meaning: Thanks to the recent popularity of skinny ties, slim-fit suits and womanly structured dresses, just about every fashion magazine and blog has pulled this phrase to avoid saying “’50s and ’60s” twice. The look has become so popular that even the show’s actors have been snapped in the style – which is very meta. Above, “Mad Men” actors like Elisabeth Moss and Jon Hamm.
Word/Phrase: Refudiate.
Meaning: Sarah Palin made this one up on a Fox News show and followed the move by posting it on Twitter. It was thought she originally meant to say “repudiate,” but then Palin posted that, like Shakespeare, she had coined a term and that it meant “misunderestimate” (which is also not a word).
Word/Phrase: Meta.
Meaning: “After” or “beyond,” and often used when something is self-referencing.
Word/Phrase: Par for the course.
Meaning: Something is “the usual,” or what is expected. The phrase can also be used to replace “ehh.”
Word/Phrase: Friend (as a verb) me.
Meaning: To befriend someone on Facebook.
Word/Phrase: Sexting.
Meaning: Sending sexy texts and possibly describing sex acts.
Which phrases bothered you in 2010?
Word/Phrase: Guidos, guidettes.
Meaning: Italian American person who wears flashy clothes and lacks social decorum on MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” Above, the show’s star “guidette,” Snooki, also inspired the term “Snooki bump” – which is the perch of hair on the crown of a woman’s head.
Word/Phrase: Epic.
Meaning: “Extraordinary,” or a hero’s adventure in a poem, novel or film. This may be the most overplayed and abused term of the year. The cliffs of Ireland’s Moher provide an “epic vista,” Homer’s “The Odyssey” is an “epic lyrical poem,” 1959’s Ben-Hur is an “epic film,” but someone’s friend slipping on an icy patch and splitting their pants is most certainly not “epic.”
Word/Phrase: Vuvuzela.
Meaning: The incredibly annoying horn fans constantly blew into during the 2010 FIFA World Cup.
Word/Phrase: Interweb.
Meaning: A lame way of saying “Internet.”
Word/Phrase: Androgynous.
Meaning: Equaled masculine and feminine attributes. It’s not surprising the word got a lot of use this year, with more men wearing feminine cuts and makeup, and more women mixing menswear in their wardrobe – not to mention stars like Adam Lambert bending genders on stage.
Word/Phrase: -pocalypse.
Meaning: Attaching this to the end of a word automatically made the subject more important and ridiculous. The year’s “-pocalypse”‘s included “food-pocalypse,” “app-pocalypse,” “meat-pocalypse,” and “Snowpocalypse,” above, which refers to the series of snowstorms that hit the U.S. northeast in February.
Word/Phrase: Douchebag.
Meaning: Not to be mistaken with “douche bag,” a vaginal cleansing instrument, a “douchebag” is a person who is far worse than a “jerk” and “ass” and should probably be written off.
Real vs Fake Apple iPad 2 Promo Videos
The Real Apple iPad 2 Promo Video
The Fake Apple iPad 2 Parody Video
12 Categories of Single Women
The Soul-Mate Seeker: Someone who is doing everything she can to find The One.
The Phoenix: A woman who recently had a painful breakup and is doing everything she can to rise from the ashes in better shape.
The Organic: She prefers to leave things up to destiny and live her own life rather than hunting for men in any methodical or calculated way.
The Princess-in-Waiting: She is waiting to be rescued by a prince (who sure is taking his royal time).
The Late Bloomer: The rest of her life is on hold while she waits for her future husband to appear.
The Free Spirit: She worries that she can only have one or the other — her independence or a committed relationship. (And she thinks the former is better.)
The Wedding Wisher: She suddenly finds herself fantasizing about marriage after a lifetime of not caring about it.
The Town Rebel: She no longer aspires to live the cookie-cutter lifestyle of everyone else in her community, though she once used to.
The Ritual Re-inventor: A woman who wants to get hitched but also feels very strongly about having an unconventional marriage (right down to the wedding ceremony).
The Someday-Mom: She would like to have babies someday, but wishes she didn’t feel so much biological pressure to figure it out fast.
The Slow & Steady: A woman who hopes to marry when the time is right. Meanwhile, she does her best not to cave to the massive pressure she feels from friends, family, and society.
The Trailblazer: A woman who knows married life is not for her, so she’s trying to break a new kind of path to happiness.
Credit: Maura Kelly
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