Ultimate Pun Collection

  • Police were called to a daycare center today where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He gained his stature from pi.
  • The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  • Then a lady at the airport backed into the spinning propeller of a plane—disaster!
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the thief fell in the wet cement and broke both legs, he became a hardened criminal.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  • We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard; he did a number on it.
  • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired..
  • What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)
  • A backwards poet writes inverse.
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed..
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • He often broke into a song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and it taint mine.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road is pure poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blown-part.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen the mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • To err is human, to moo bovine.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery.
  • If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
  • Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating—always use condiments.
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Adolescence—when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
  • Banning the bra was a big flop.
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
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Published in: on June 30, 2010 at 4:02 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. I’ve been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be much more useful than ever before.


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