Real Estate – what they said, what they mean

What the listing said What they meant to say
Close to amenities, schools, transportation, shopping, daycare There are no redeeming features in the house itself to talk about.
Close to park Watch out for unleashed dogs. Watch where you step. Remove your shoes to come in!
Close to transportation They say you’ll grow accustomed to noise from the trains… eventually.
Close to everything This place is more downtown than a homeless person.
Entertainment district An Elvis impersonator lives next door
Quiet neighbours Next to a graveyard
Friendly neighbours The neighbours won’t leave until they empty your beer fridge every night
Area of fine homes This isn’t one of them
Low traffic street The roadway is full of kids’ toys
Family home in prestigious neighborhood The worst house on a good street
Seasonal waterfront In some seasons it’s more UNDER water than ON the water
Steps to public beach Your front steps, actually…if u can get the beachbums to let you go down them.
Stones throw to beach Beach-stone throw back at your front windows! Note the new windows.
Full view of lake You just can‘t use the beach.
Overlooking pond with wildlife Much like the wildlife in the basement.
Pond in back yard The septic bed is overflowing.
Price includes indoor water feature. Roofs leaks.
Commune with nature There’s a family of rabid squirrels living in the attic
Backs onto Enviro Protected Land Backs onto mosquito infested swamp
Secluded private lot The burglars can take all day getting in.
Sunken living room See Seasonal waterfront
Driveway holds six cars Potential student rooming house!
Garage/Workshop There’s a pile of scrap lumber in the garage
Just like in a magazine Guns And Ammo
Dynamite property! They should have blown it up and gone for the insurance
Sunfilled ranch bungalow The roof blew off in that tornado last month
Flowing open spaces See Seasonal waterfront, with a current
Earthtones throughout Mold IS technically an earthtone
Neutral decor The carpet looks like cream of mushroom soup. And kind of smells the same.
Vintage century home The plumbing and electrical hasn’t been touched for 100 years.
Freshly painted The hockey-puck scuff marks on the walls shouldn’t bleed through before you buy it.
Gardener’s delight It was a marijuana grow-house. The ventilation holes in the floors haven’t been covered over yet.
Partially finished basement They stopped finishing and suddenly put it up for sale. Problems? HELL nooooooooo!
Potential for basement apartment You’ll need the rental income to pay the taxes.
Soaring 9 foot ceilings That’s it, keep looking up, don’t look around…
Some newer windows The ones the neighbor’s kids keep breaking.
Spacious open rooms The wife took the kids and the furniture and left the husband with this house and a big-screen TV
Kid-friendly yard There’s no fence and the neighborhood kids are all over the back yard
Perfect for first-time buyers No experienced buyer would look at this place
Builder’s model home Even the builder couldn’t sell it. Hello?
Better than new Except it’s…well…used. he he I’m a silly Realtor my goodness me
All applianced included It would cost more to move them than they’re worth
Quick close available They want out of this place NOW!
Priced to sell This is as low as they’re willing to go. Don’t lowball them!
Make an offer They know it’s overpriced and they will sell for less than they’re asking
Bring all offers Any offer! Please! Get them off my back!
Motivated sellers They’re desperate to sell
Must sell! I’m incompetent and I should be fired for disclosing my client’s negotiating position.
Selling due to illness. They’re sick of dumping money into it.
Published in: on May 19, 2010 at 6:43 pm  Leave a Comment  

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